It’s father’s day today, yet things aren’t the least bit uppity in this household. A man who holds steadfast to the term ‘domestic bliss’, irregardless of the backstabs and lies that are told about him or others; coupled with a woman whose optimism only extends as far as it benefits her egotistical pride and convenience, make up for the perfect emotional and mentally torturing quicksand trap. People who are blinded about their work and their affectionate emotions till the day one of them actually needs to go on the drip and maybe even under the knife to know the extent of this damaging fallacy of a ‘perfect fantasy’.
No one human is perfect. Not you, not me, not the idol that one worships- NO ONE (PS: except for religious entities of course, not that I mean to preach but i choose to leave my depicting limited to only human beings, thank you). We all strive for perfection, and the journey always comes with a price. After achieving one dream, won’t it lead on to another? Won’t the chase once again start it’s circle? Then again, to not strive in life is to sit and rot. So which is living? To chase a dream or to live in a dream?
When running in a circle, we all need a time to stop and smell the roses. For those in a hurry, to at least drop by McD and grab a cup of coffee and a burger, and if needs be, go have a cyggie. Again, no one knows where the balance lies, where to draw the line and pause it with a dot. Deadlines wallowing above our heads, emotions throbbing in our veins, words aching to be spurted forth yet are chained to the very throat that can only seem to swallow and gulp in fear.
Yes, work. The best way to distract one’s mind from almost any problem in one’s life even if it comes with the price of it’s own. Family, love and social matters all take a backseat when the thought of your superior rearing his ugly head over your back to ensure you do your job on time comes into play. Or then again it can be something as simple as money- for motivation. Here you are not paid for the work you do, you are paid to sell your soul to the work you do.
It hurts…. To know that in such a cruel world the one place of comfort in which you came from is no longer there, that it has been replaced by a fence of maroon-colored, blood soaked and thirsty thorns that work to protect only itself now. You, as far as it is concerned, is an outsider. Not the gardener that waters it, not the soil that nourishes it, not the seed of life that drops from it, not even the very parasite that eats on it. You are no longer the entity that was once showered by love and care by it. You are no longer welcome in it’s presence if you are here to trim the thorns and show to it the true hidden beauty beneath that it once was. It’s all in the past. Even if the future looks grim, staining your hands when the judge, jury and executioner isn’t on your side irregardless of the consequences, you are to be regarded as a mere expendable tool, one which is to not have emotions, to not have the mind to ponder your own existence and the will to carve out your name in life.
It hurts… to see a precious person destroy him/herself in front of you and yet you can’t and aren’t allowed to do anything to change it. The guilt, the responsibility; the anger, the sadness. Conflicting emotions that clash within, threatening to rip your very self apart in excruciating agony. And yet, your concerns fall not only on deaf ears, but weighs down on the sledgehammer that will soon bludgeon you. All because of your humanity. All because you care. All because you were once part of them.
Your tears don’t matter. Your aching wobbly voice doesn’t mean a thing. You don’t need a shoulder to cry on. You need a different kind of support- therapy. All because you don’t see the same light as them. All because you are alone, you are to be singled out for reformation, brainwashing- to make you a ‘domesticated’ person.
It hurts…. To know that you can’t stop time.
It hurts…. To know that things can never return.
It hurts…. To see the precious memories drift away.
It hurts…. Yet I can still keep going…
Because no matter what happens, I have others that care, others that share.
Others that know me for who I am and who I’ve become.
Who I want to be and will become.
I have many more things to do, stories to tell and lives to unfold.
I am not alone, this I know.
Beside me of all gems, is an azurite.
It’s dark brilliance, glittering the brightest in the coldest of lonely nights.
Not forgetting the children in my life;
6 tiny brown bundles of surprise,
hovered over by a domineering black and white spotted royalty,
Make for the most innocent of companionship in my daily mundane life.
Yes, I am not alone.
And therefore,
I promise to all, and especially myself-
I will live on…
3 comments:
Time flows like a river, and there aren't waves that splash exactly the same.
I do share your pain, but to say your greatest ally can be your worst enemy simply showed that you didn't love them unconditionally and forgivingly.
Yes, no one is born with perfection, then why seek for perfection while you may seek solace in tranquility. Accepting transquience?
When I was a child, I did everything with my mom, I go with her on her favourite cafe with her friends. Visiting a mysterious antique shop while she is shopping for her cloth. I shared a secret spot with friends of mine at school. Having lunch at an historic restaurant while waiting my dad to fetch me.
Nothing remains, the antique shop. My school had changed, my friends had parted elsewhere, and my dad leave me further and further. I used to believe that my parents are immortal, always there to love and care for me, but the truth is that time leaves no one behind; they get older and older.
In my youth, I broke a macha tea bowl accidentally; while having much remorse, my father told me that it had simply return to the earth and reborn. I am being taught in such a way that we are born with nothingness, thus everything we experience in life are things that we gained. We simply have nothing to lose.
Your pets might leave you and this world one day, so thus your loved ones, instead of feeling hurt for what you couldn't stop, just feel the tranquility of life.
Every day I still feel the joy of waking up being myself, that what Koek Wei Chew is doing for today, what to have for breakfast, tea and dinner. Watch a movie, calling up friends, even if their answer is merely of formality; having tea while reading books at my favourite tea house, blowing bubbles while stolling in the evening.
People and things do comes and go, but we remained as our own self. I am still living to see through tomorrow, of what I am capable of doing, what I would meet. That simple. For things past, it was beautiful, but it doesn't matter anymore; a gift.
Wabi-sabi.
You are one to preach...
My best advice to you is if you do not know my full story or bother to even ask about what i am ranting about, then please kindly keep yours to yourself.
What i have mentioned here is only the fragment of the truth. By being judgemental and hoping to try to connect to my life through your life story at random merely shows how shallow you take another's poison to be...
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